Collateral Damage Control

I have been told that I could live in complete happiness with only a few rudimentary supplies – a nail clipper with file, tweezers, a jar of Vaseline, Q-tips and dental floss. Life is really a series of grooming efforts, a constant battle to keep from grossing yourself out, and to remain acceptable to the viewing public. There is something about knowing that there is no remnant of a previous meal crammed amongst your molars that gives a person a sense of well being, and nail filing is really nothing more than pure economics. Jagged fingernails snag delicate clothing, and letting toenails go without benefit of a pedicure will lead to grotesque witch toes that can’t help but poke through the end of your socks and in extreme cases, your shoes. Vaseline is an absolute must in surviving a Colorado winter, where the air is not only cold but dry enough to turn shoe leather to stone. Without Vaseline, our lips would be replaced by frayed, battered flesh that would bleed every time the wind blew. And cotton swabs … well if you don’t know the joy of a gentle but thorough ear swabbing it’s time you expanded your horizons. Tweezers are probably the most crucial tool in this packet of essentials. You never know when you’re going to walk past a woman in a restaurant say, who has missed the inch long whisker projecting from her chin. I try not to over react, but I have been known to drop my tweezers, which I always carry, near her plate with a look that says, “choose to do the right thing”. For heaven’s sake, people are trying to eat! Tweezing is a commitment we all must make for the good of our fellow man. Tweeze with vigor and without fear, for there is only one place for a whiskered woman, and the circus has left town.